An open letter to the President regarding smuggling

To Donald J. Trump
President, United States of America
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington, DC

Dear sir,

As a concerned American citizen, I feel it important to bring a crisis to your attention. This crisis is of great import, and potentially affects the lives of every single man, woman, child and litigant in this great nation.

It has come to my attention that potentially MILLIONS of exotic creatures could be getting smuggled into -- and subsequently trafficked in -- the United States of America. This smuggling is being performed with the aid of so-called "Smart Phones" using cellular technology as a cover for the illicit schemes.

Millions of Americans travel abroad each year, and many of them play the popular "Augmented Reality" game called Pokémon Go by Niantic Labs. When they travel abroad, they get the opportunity to catch "regionally exclusive" creatures (some of which, I hear,  are named after SHINTO DEMONS (please ask VP Pence what a demon is.))

These "regional exclusive" creatures are then forced into a gruesome pit-fighting scenario, either beating American-born creatures, or being used to taunt American players by defending "gyms." (Please ask former POTUS Barack Obama what a gym is.)

These illegal border crossings occur each day without ANY border declarations! These sinister creatures are hiding in the cell phones of jet-setting nerds all over the country.

It pains me to explain to my seven year old grandson why his Pidgey got sent home by a Heracross or a Tropius.

Something must be done! We need to increase border security with guards who can recognize these creatures and know the threat. Perhaps the captured Pokémon can be stored with the immigrant children to keep them entertained?

Thank you in advance for your consideration.

Sincerely,
A concerned citizen

GRUNION: Michigan man chokes on 'Cheezy Tot' tater tot. Obama, Sanders, Clinton mum on the subject

PETOSKEY, Mich.--Late Friday night, Michigan resident Ralph McChoggan was spending a little bit of his bingo winnings with a late night snack at The Lucky Eagle Fur Casino Resort deli.
McChoggan had just purchased the $5 special 'cheezy tots' and corn dog platter, with complimentary Pepsi, when he accidentally inhaled a whole cheesy tot while coughing.
Luckily, a quick-thinking deli employee immediately called a medical emergency to the security department, who were able to use the Heimlich maneuver to get the tot unstuck from the man's throat.

Area residents were stunned the following day when neither President Barack Obama nor Democratic candidates Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton made any mention of the incident.
"We kind of thought that somebody would say something," said casino Security Director Hans Auff. "Either to complement us on our good work, or talk about the hazards of 'cheezy tots.'"
Local republican committee spokesman Ben Derrbaforr was even more insulted.
"You know full well that if the guy had choked on a gun, we would have heard all about it from the Democrats screaming about gun control," Derrbaforr said. "But a potato grown in the democratically run state of Washington? No. Not a peep."

Troy "Spudz" Groveland, an Idaho potato grower, had more on that subject.

"You know if them spuds was grown here in Idaho, they'da  bombed us by now," he said. 
To make matters worse, when the subject was brought up with both presidential candidates, and the current president, not a single one of them said they knew about it all.
"These are in the people who want to run our country?" Auff asked. "Get real."
Republican candidate Ted Cruz was asked where he stood on the subject of people choking on potatoes.
"I am 100% against people choking on potatoes," Cruz said sympathetically.

McChoggan, a lifelong Democrat, received a complimentary night's stay at the resort's hotel and two buffet comps. He refused to comment on Obama's lack of compassion.

"I ain't surprised," Auff said. "Probably a welfare dad looking for a free meal."

REPORT: CDC and ADA Offer New Disease Definitions

The Courant-Grunion

(Est’d 1988)

REPORT: CDC and ADA Offer New Disease Definitions

By Sally Mann-Duhr

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC), in conjunction with the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) announced sweeping new disease definitions, including several new diseases that will fall under ADA guidelines as “Protected Illnesses.”

Leading the list are “Chronic Hypochondria” and “Terminal Hypochondria.”

“There are a lot of people who think they’re sick out there, and then their illness is dismissed by medical professionals because they don’t have classic, traditional symptoms,” said Andre Schweinfluberger, Associate Sub-Director of the CDC. “These people have watched every episode of House and then started feeling ill. Just because they don’t have something that’s treatable by medicine doesn’t mean they’re not sick.”

Chronic Hypochondria is defined as: “a sense that one has a disease or diseases as determined by third parties (Television, Web M.D., friends and family, etc) that cannot be proven, disproven or treated by conventional means.” Chronic Hypochondria sufferers will now be able to receive help from medical professionals.

“Probably the biggest problem is that Hypochondriacs receive placebos and the assurance that their problems will go away,” said Marcia Medlund, CDC/ADA liaison. “Now we can address the problem with actual medications that will help assuage the fears of these chronic sufferers, and also offer ADA protection so they can’t lose their jobs over too many missed days of work from chronic hypochondria.”

Terminal Hypochondria is defined as: “a sense that one has a disease or diseases as determined by their own feeling of dread. These people with stop at nothing to treat the diseases, even if it means overdosing on drugs that are not meant to treat hypochondria or any other disease they may have.”

One such case was the sad tale of the late Science Fiction guru Robert Piers David, who overdosed on 81 mg Aspirin and Fireball to treat what he thought was “kidney worms” in his kidneys. Kidney worms were a creature David created in the novel Once More Over the Cuckoo World (Random Shack, 1962.) The parasite reappeared in the sequel Again over the Cuckoo World, This Time With Feeling (Bantham DelRoy, 1968.)

David’s final novel Fuzzy Interpretations in a Fractal World (Tor-Rey Pines, 2016) will be released in February of next year, completely unedited (in order to fulfill a contract obligation.)

Other diseases included in this sweeping change are: Video Game addiction (with ADA backing, one can no longer be terminated for playing video/computer/phone games on the clock;) Chronic Tardiness at Work; Laughing at inappropriate Jokes (LAIJ) Syndrome; and Addictive Meme-Posting.

COURANT-GRUNION: Lawmakers Pass New Communication Bill

The Courant-Grunion

(Est’d 1988)

Lawmakers Pass New Electronic Communication Bill

By Sally Mann-Duhr

A sweeping electronic-communication bill cleared the House of Representatives and will be placed before the U.S. Senate early next week if all goes according to plan.

The primary focus of the “Electronic Communication Accountability Bill (HR 8675309)” is to prevent people from typing or texting “LOL” or similar “Lol” and “ROTFL” and various subsets of the same.

“It’s very distressing when you find out that somebody really isn’t laughing out loud at your comment,” Representative Kyle Doss (D-Ind.) said after the announcement. “I’ll send a Minion meme to someone and get an LOL in a time frame almost faster than they could’ve read it.”

One side-effect of a falsified “LOL” would be a small fine, with each subsequent charge being higher.

“Most cell phones and computers have cameras now,” Doss said. “Maybe we can have phones get has something like a ‘LOL-App’ that maybe takes a quick picture of your expression as you send a ‘LOL’ to somebody. Say you're not actually smiling or laughing, you could be in a world of hurt.”

Doss stated that this function of the law is still in its planning stages.

Representative Richard Winkie (R-Wyo.) said he accidentally sent a nude photo of himself to an intern and got a “ROTFLOL” seconds later.

“That’s just more than a man can take,” he said. “There was a time when that sort of mistake would be a scandal, but now it’s just a joke!”

The primary focus of the bill is to create a new “LLOL” or “Literally Laughing out Loud” to give more value to the “-OL” family. However, there are also provisions to increase the stakes.

“One possibility is for people to respond with a SnapChat of themselves actually laughing,” Winkie said. “In my case, that might have helped, or it might be more painful, too. But it’s there either way.”

There is also a monetary value: The House Bill makes provisions for a large stipend if service providers come up with a means of “Un-Sending” a text (or photograph) if you realize your mistake within a few seconds.

“That’ll be huge,” Winkie said.

The bill faces an uphill battle with the Senate, although with the recent scandalous “$5 footlong” joke text mass-sent by Senator Harry Lessenham (D-ND) it might gain steam quickly.

Courant Grunion: Government Scientist's Credentials Investigated

The Courant-Grunion

(Est’d 1988)

Government Scientist’s Credentials Investigated

By Trevor N. Deavor

What started as an off-hand comment by the President has turned into a thorough investigation of a leading government scientist. The results of the investigation bring the very concept government appointments into question.

Dr. Simon Unglaub received scrutiny after releasing questionable results from a government-funded climate change study. Unglaub, a vocal critic of the effects of climate change and global warming, released results that suggested (in the words of the study) that “everything’s fine, and we don’t need to worry about climate change or this supposed concept of global warming.”

When President Obama received the report, a hand-written seven page document (with two hand-drawn infographics that were done on Denny’s napkins,) the world leader commented, “Where’d this guy get his degree, a Cracker Jack box?”

Vice President Joe Biden joined in, saying maybe the man’s diploma was printed on a truck stop toilet-seat cover. Former Vice President Al Gore also read the report, questioned its authenticity, and then pointed out that it wasn’t published on recycled paper.

Senator :Mike McCoffin (R-Maine) and Senator Lindsay Holtzman (D-Wyoming), co-chairpersons of the Senate Committee for Acceptance or Denial of Climate Change both read the report and then ordered an investigation of Unglaub.

“It was embarrassing,” Holtzman, a staunch believer in global warming, said in a press conference. “This so-called ‘doctor’ Unglaub is a holdover from the Bush 43 administration, and he’s been a thorn in my side for more than a decade.”

“We had to investigate him,” McCoffin said. “Once the POTUS questions the authenticity of a man’s credentials, we have to investigate. Especially if Cracker Jacks are implicated.”

Unglaub’s Doctorate was supposedly earned from “Bill and Mary University,” a non-existent entity. From there, investigators followed up with each diploma on Unglaub’s office wall.

In addition to his fake doctorate, he did not receive a Master of Business Arts degree from “Los Angeles State Univeristy at Denver,” nor did he receive his Bachelor of Arts degree from “The University of Coeur D’Alene at Kansas City.”

“This is a black eye for government science,” ‘Doctor’ Kenny Bunkport said. “You get the president calling a doctorate a Cracker Jacks prize and it all collapses like a house of cards.”

Bunkport said the entire agency and Senate Sub-sub-sub committee is in turmoil.

“Now we’re all being investigated, and God only knows what these investigators will turn up,” he said. “They even questioned my Master’s degree from Texas S&M.”

Presently, even Unglaub’s General Equivalency Diploma (GED) from Sauerbraten Online Community College is under scrutiny.

According to Wikipedia, Cracker Jacks stopped issuing diplomas and doctorates after the 1977 scandal involving doctors transplanting food from one patient’s stomach to another.

NTSB Study: Texting-While-Driving No Longer Top Cause of Phone/Car Death

The Courant-Grunion                        (Est. 1988)

NTSB Report: Texting-While-Driving No Longer No. 1 Cause of Phone-Related Traffic Fatalities

By Trevor N. Deavor

The National Traffic Safety Board released new Traffic Fatality statistics for the first half of 2015 on Friday. This study provided an in-depth analysis of Phone-Related Traffic Deaths from Jan. 1 through June 30, 2015.

“Phone-related traffic deaths are sky-rocketing,” NTSB Spokesman Simon Hoche-Weg said, reading a pre-written statement. “But Texting-While-Driving and simply talking on the phone are no longer the primary factors. Texting fell to number seven on the list, while talking on the phone dropped from the top ten altogether.

This year, the number one cause of Phone-Related driving deaths is “Liking and Sharing” blessings either from Jesus, or promises of money, edging out the nearly-as popular “Liking” memes in support of President Obama. Anti-Obama Meme-liking came in a close third place.

“People are using their phones for everything from online shopping to uploading videos while they’re driving,” Hoche-Weg said. “This is becoming something of an epidemic.”

According to the Hoche-Weg, the most frequent texted or posted comment that winds up being somebody’s last is “Lol.”

“The worst part about this is, they don’t even take the time to make the 'LOL' all-caps,” said Belinda Sharon, director of Moms Against Cellular Devices Allowing Death and Dismemberment of Youth (MACDADDY.) “If you’re going to die for your text, at least go out with class.”

Sharon said she hopes to implement Death-While-Texting etiquette courses at all community colleges by next Spring Quarter.

"America needs to be number one at something, and proper Text-techniques while dying seems like a good place to start," she said.

The following are the top ten ways people die while driving and using their phones from 1/1/15 to 6/30/15.

#1  Liking and Sharing a blessing                                                                                1,045,221

#2  Liking a Pro-Obama Meme                                                                                    1,022,159

#3  Liking an Anti-Obama Meme                                                                                1,009,566

#4  Tweeting a “Driver Selfie”                                                                                        988,134

#5  SnapChatting yourself singing along to Justin Bieber                                              887,622

#6  Downloading a song you just heard on the radio                                                      672,421

#7  Texting-While-Driving (80% “Lol.”)                                                                        528,425

#8  Playing Words-With-Friends/Trivia Crack/Candy Crush                                         465,883

#9  Google-Searching the word “Side Boob” or “Under Boob”                                     446,785

#10  Deleting History of recent Google Searches                                                           389,799

Military School Hijinks Get Bloody

The Courant-Grunion  (Est. 1988)

 

Military School Hijinks Get Bloody

By Trevor N. Deavor

Charges are pending at the Confederate Armory Military Academy (CAMA) in Tecumseh, Tennessee after a food fight left one person dead, two paralyzed and six injured.

The Robert E. Lee memorial Café-Tori-Asium became a veritable battleground after what appears to have been an innocent initial volley.

Junior Year CAMA Cadet Derrick Douglas Lincoln was practicing opening remarks for an upcoming debate when he pounded his fist on his table to make a point. This demonstrative action accidentally launched a spoonful of approximately twenty raisins across the Café-Tori-Asium.

“I was prepping for my debate,” Lincoln said. “I had a salient point, and I remembered an instructor suggesting that sometimes it really helps to get physical in your speeches. I banged my fist on the table, but I forgot that I’d been picking raisins from my Raisin Bran and storing them on my coffee spoon.”

The raisin-and-Caramel Macchiato mixture flew across the combination mess hall/auditorium/gymnasium and landed at another table occupied by Sophomore Cadet Fred Sumter, who was working on a his semester-final Computer-Aided Drafting project proving that the USS Enterprise-D could, in fact, exist and challenge a Borg invasion.

“As soon as that slimy-raisin mixture hit my monitor, I just lost it,” Sumter said, from his hospital bed in the CAMA infirmary. “I stood up and shouted ‘who @#%& did that?’ and, of course, nobody admitted guilt.”

Sumter, whose left leg was broken in six places, is in traction for at least six weeks. This bodes poorly for CAMA, as he is the star running back for the CAMA football team, the Flages.

“Anyway, I knew it had to be one of the seniors from the team, because they’ve been hazing me all season,” Sumter continued. “I figured it had to be Vic Street, because he’s been the biggest bully on the team.”

Sumter refers to Senior Cadet Victor Lange-Street, an Offensive Lineman for the Flages. Lange-Street was sitting a few tables away from Sumter, facing away from the young cadet. Sumter launched a counter-strike of Potatoes O’Brien and Scrambled Eggs.

“How was I supposed to know he was allergic to red peppers?” Sumter sobbed. “How was I supposed to know his Epi-Pen was expired?”

From there the fight got ugly. Tables were overturned and lines were drawn.

“As soon as I heard somebody shout ‘FOOD FIGHT!’ I grabbed my 3X5 cards and booked it out of there,” Lincoln confessed. “I never knew I’d started the fight until I was called into the police station and show surveillance video of the whole thing.”

“I never knew,” he said, as tears began to form in his eyes. Currently, Lincoln is held in Bharfokopee County jail pending further investigation.

All manner of foodstuff (except bacon, which nobody would throw) was hurled from either side at the other. Mostly, food splashed harmlessly onto the opposing side’s table-fortress walls. That’s when some Cadet Combat Engineering Corps cadets got some bright ideas.

“I was thinking, this is pointless,” Junior Cadet Johann Braun said. “It’s just food splatting all over the place. That’s when I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a fifty pound sack of potatoes.”

Braun and some of his CCEC partners had been experimenting with potato cannons, and all they needed was potatoes.

With the stakes increased, and several dozen windows shattered, everything seemed to favor the side with the high-powered weaponry.

Unfortunately, although they were pinned down by cannon fire, the cadets on the other side of the Café-tori-asium included several Cadet-Specialists whose primary focus was chemical and biological warfare.

Freshman Cadet Specialist Mace Blansky dodged potato fire and ran to the kitchen for a five pound jar of crushed red peppers and a food processor. His roommate, Joshua E. Cohlye came back with twenty pounds of raw ground beef.

Blansky ground the peppers into a fine dust and, using a portable fan, filled the opposite side of the room with a caustic dust storm of pepper powder. Unfortunately, for young Lange-Street, this proved too much. Between the Anaphylaxis O’Brien and this new onslaught, the young running back never recovered.

Meanwhile, Cohlye began throwing handfuls of raw meat into the crowd of choking cadets. Cohlye was eventually taken down by a potato to the spine. He is currently in intensive care, but is paralyzed. Doctors are unsure he’ll ever walk again.

A stray potato hit a fire-suppression sprinklerhead, flooding the entire room and creating an inadvertent cease fire.

“Never before in the storied history of this institution has anything of this magnitude occurred,” Headmaster Commandant Shilaugh N. Teetum said in an issued statement. “While we are saddened at the loss of Cadet Lange-Street, and injuries to so many of our residents, we may take one positive from this incident.

“The off-the-cuff tactics and weaponry used by our resourceful students is a tribute to the nature of this institution, and the Food Fight of 2015 will be analyzed for years to come.”