REPORT: CDC and ADA Offer New Disease Definitions

The Courant-Grunion

(Est’d 1988)

REPORT: CDC and ADA Offer New Disease Definitions

By Sally Mann-Duhr

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC), in conjunction with the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) announced sweeping new disease definitions, including several new diseases that will fall under ADA guidelines as “Protected Illnesses.”

Leading the list are “Chronic Hypochondria” and “Terminal Hypochondria.”

“There are a lot of people who think they’re sick out there, and then their illness is dismissed by medical professionals because they don’t have classic, traditional symptoms,” said Andre Schweinfluberger, Associate Sub-Director of the CDC. “These people have watched every episode of House and then started feeling ill. Just because they don’t have something that’s treatable by medicine doesn’t mean they’re not sick.”

Chronic Hypochondria is defined as: “a sense that one has a disease or diseases as determined by third parties (Television, Web M.D., friends and family, etc) that cannot be proven, disproven or treated by conventional means.” Chronic Hypochondria sufferers will now be able to receive help from medical professionals.

“Probably the biggest problem is that Hypochondriacs receive placebos and the assurance that their problems will go away,” said Marcia Medlund, CDC/ADA liaison. “Now we can address the problem with actual medications that will help assuage the fears of these chronic sufferers, and also offer ADA protection so they can’t lose their jobs over too many missed days of work from chronic hypochondria.”

Terminal Hypochondria is defined as: “a sense that one has a disease or diseases as determined by their own feeling of dread. These people with stop at nothing to treat the diseases, even if it means overdosing on drugs that are not meant to treat hypochondria or any other disease they may have.”

One such case was the sad tale of the late Science Fiction guru Robert Piers David, who overdosed on 81 mg Aspirin and Fireball to treat what he thought was “kidney worms” in his kidneys. Kidney worms were a creature David created in the novel Once More Over the Cuckoo World (Random Shack, 1962.) The parasite reappeared in the sequel Again over the Cuckoo World, This Time With Feeling (Bantham DelRoy, 1968.)

David’s final novel Fuzzy Interpretations in a Fractal World (Tor-Rey Pines, 2016) will be released in February of next year, completely unedited (in order to fulfill a contract obligation.)

Other diseases included in this sweeping change are: Video Game addiction (with ADA backing, one can no longer be terminated for playing video/computer/phone games on the clock;) Chronic Tardiness at Work; Laughing at inappropriate Jokes (LAIJ) Syndrome; and Addictive Meme-Posting.