Military School Hijinks Get Bloody

The Courant-Grunion  (Est. 1988)

 

Military School Hijinks Get Bloody

By Trevor N. Deavor

Charges are pending at the Confederate Armory Military Academy (CAMA) in Tecumseh, Tennessee after a food fight left one person dead, two paralyzed and six injured.

The Robert E. Lee memorial Café-Tori-Asium became a veritable battleground after what appears to have been an innocent initial volley.

Junior Year CAMA Cadet Derrick Douglas Lincoln was practicing opening remarks for an upcoming debate when he pounded his fist on his table to make a point. This demonstrative action accidentally launched a spoonful of approximately twenty raisins across the Café-Tori-Asium.

“I was prepping for my debate,” Lincoln said. “I had a salient point, and I remembered an instructor suggesting that sometimes it really helps to get physical in your speeches. I banged my fist on the table, but I forgot that I’d been picking raisins from my Raisin Bran and storing them on my coffee spoon.”

The raisin-and-Caramel Macchiato mixture flew across the combination mess hall/auditorium/gymnasium and landed at another table occupied by Sophomore Cadet Fred Sumter, who was working on a his semester-final Computer-Aided Drafting project proving that the USS Enterprise-D could, in fact, exist and challenge a Borg invasion.

“As soon as that slimy-raisin mixture hit my monitor, I just lost it,” Sumter said, from his hospital bed in the CAMA infirmary. “I stood up and shouted ‘who @#%& did that?’ and, of course, nobody admitted guilt.”

Sumter, whose left leg was broken in six places, is in traction for at least six weeks. This bodes poorly for CAMA, as he is the star running back for the CAMA football team, the Flages.

“Anyway, I knew it had to be one of the seniors from the team, because they’ve been hazing me all season,” Sumter continued. “I figured it had to be Vic Street, because he’s been the biggest bully on the team.”

Sumter refers to Senior Cadet Victor Lange-Street, an Offensive Lineman for the Flages. Lange-Street was sitting a few tables away from Sumter, facing away from the young cadet. Sumter launched a counter-strike of Potatoes O’Brien and Scrambled Eggs.

“How was I supposed to know he was allergic to red peppers?” Sumter sobbed. “How was I supposed to know his Epi-Pen was expired?”

From there the fight got ugly. Tables were overturned and lines were drawn.

“As soon as I heard somebody shout ‘FOOD FIGHT!’ I grabbed my 3X5 cards and booked it out of there,” Lincoln confessed. “I never knew I’d started the fight until I was called into the police station and show surveillance video of the whole thing.”

“I never knew,” he said, as tears began to form in his eyes. Currently, Lincoln is held in Bharfokopee County jail pending further investigation.

All manner of foodstuff (except bacon, which nobody would throw) was hurled from either side at the other. Mostly, food splashed harmlessly onto the opposing side’s table-fortress walls. That’s when some Cadet Combat Engineering Corps cadets got some bright ideas.

“I was thinking, this is pointless,” Junior Cadet Johann Braun said. “It’s just food splatting all over the place. That’s when I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a fifty pound sack of potatoes.”

Braun and some of his CCEC partners had been experimenting with potato cannons, and all they needed was potatoes.

With the stakes increased, and several dozen windows shattered, everything seemed to favor the side with the high-powered weaponry.

Unfortunately, although they were pinned down by cannon fire, the cadets on the other side of the Café-tori-asium included several Cadet-Specialists whose primary focus was chemical and biological warfare.

Freshman Cadet Specialist Mace Blansky dodged potato fire and ran to the kitchen for a five pound jar of crushed red peppers and a food processor. His roommate, Joshua E. Cohlye came back with twenty pounds of raw ground beef.

Blansky ground the peppers into a fine dust and, using a portable fan, filled the opposite side of the room with a caustic dust storm of pepper powder. Unfortunately, for young Lange-Street, this proved too much. Between the Anaphylaxis O’Brien and this new onslaught, the young running back never recovered.

Meanwhile, Cohlye began throwing handfuls of raw meat into the crowd of choking cadets. Cohlye was eventually taken down by a potato to the spine. He is currently in intensive care, but is paralyzed. Doctors are unsure he’ll ever walk again.

A stray potato hit a fire-suppression sprinklerhead, flooding the entire room and creating an inadvertent cease fire.

“Never before in the storied history of this institution has anything of this magnitude occurred,” Headmaster Commandant Shilaugh N. Teetum said in an issued statement. “While we are saddened at the loss of Cadet Lange-Street, and injuries to so many of our residents, we may take one positive from this incident.

“The off-the-cuff tactics and weaponry used by our resourceful students is a tribute to the nature of this institution, and the Food Fight of 2015 will be analyzed for years to come.”