Courant Grunion: Government Scientist's Credentials Investigated

The Courant-Grunion

(Est’d 1988)

Government Scientist’s Credentials Investigated

By Trevor N. Deavor

What started as an off-hand comment by the President has turned into a thorough investigation of a leading government scientist. The results of the investigation bring the very concept government appointments into question.

Dr. Simon Unglaub received scrutiny after releasing questionable results from a government-funded climate change study. Unglaub, a vocal critic of the effects of climate change and global warming, released results that suggested (in the words of the study) that “everything’s fine, and we don’t need to worry about climate change or this supposed concept of global warming.”

When President Obama received the report, a hand-written seven page document (with two hand-drawn infographics that were done on Denny’s napkins,) the world leader commented, “Where’d this guy get his degree, a Cracker Jack box?”

Vice President Joe Biden joined in, saying maybe the man’s diploma was printed on a truck stop toilet-seat cover. Former Vice President Al Gore also read the report, questioned its authenticity, and then pointed out that it wasn’t published on recycled paper.

Senator :Mike McCoffin (R-Maine) and Senator Lindsay Holtzman (D-Wyoming), co-chairpersons of the Senate Committee for Acceptance or Denial of Climate Change both read the report and then ordered an investigation of Unglaub.

“It was embarrassing,” Holtzman, a staunch believer in global warming, said in a press conference. “This so-called ‘doctor’ Unglaub is a holdover from the Bush 43 administration, and he’s been a thorn in my side for more than a decade.”

“We had to investigate him,” McCoffin said. “Once the POTUS questions the authenticity of a man’s credentials, we have to investigate. Especially if Cracker Jacks are implicated.”

Unglaub’s Doctorate was supposedly earned from “Bill and Mary University,” a non-existent entity. From there, investigators followed up with each diploma on Unglaub’s office wall.

In addition to his fake doctorate, he did not receive a Master of Business Arts degree from “Los Angeles State Univeristy at Denver,” nor did he receive his Bachelor of Arts degree from “The University of Coeur D’Alene at Kansas City.”

“This is a black eye for government science,” ‘Doctor’ Kenny Bunkport said. “You get the president calling a doctorate a Cracker Jacks prize and it all collapses like a house of cards.”

Bunkport said the entire agency and Senate Sub-sub-sub committee is in turmoil.

“Now we’re all being investigated, and God only knows what these investigators will turn up,” he said. “They even questioned my Master’s degree from Texas S&M.”

Presently, even Unglaub’s General Equivalency Diploma (GED) from Sauerbraten Online Community College is under scrutiny.

According to Wikipedia, Cracker Jacks stopped issuing diplomas and doctorates after the 1977 scandal involving doctors transplanting food from one patient’s stomach to another.